Why?

It's been long since I've entered this dusty little space of mine and life's been real hectic recently. I really don't know what or who I want in life.
It's been about 6 months since our break up, C. Life, indeed has been torturing. Calling you by your name. Having to get used to not have you by my side every single day of my life. Not being able to wake up next to you every Saturday morning. I still remember our Saturday routines. Wake up > you play the xbox > lunch at the hawker > movie marathon while cuddling next to each other. Lifeless, some may say. But we had pretty memorable memories with each other. Come again, maybe I wasn't afraid of losing you. Maybe, I was just afraid of change. I was afraid that things would be different between us. C, you still mean alot to me. ily.
CHANGE. This word, huge impact. It's pretty scary how people can change overnight. Pretty scary how someone you used to really know... just becomes someone you cannot understand anymore. You guys get what I'm saying here?
Then again, why? Why must things turn our this way? Why can't we just live our life the way we want it to? Why can't we all just be happy every day? Why can't we all just be stress free? Why can't we all just... be ourselves? Why must we pretend to be someone we're not just to please others out there. Why must we do this and that? WHYWHYWHY? So many why's in my head. I'm bursting with "why's" but no one can answer them. Fucking judgmental society.
E, I can't believe I'm saying this. But I may have begun to fall for you. I don't know what love is anymore. What the fuck is love? I know it may be too early for me to be saying this. It's only been a month or so. I miss how we used to text about anything. Not talking to you is plain TORTURING. Not being able to be with you is HELL. I wish I could be by your side every single night. I don't ever want to lose you, E. You mean so much to me. The person I talk to when everyone else turns their back on me, my drinking companion and my role model. I'm afraid to fall further for you. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to FEEL hurt again. I just wanna be fucken' happy. Why? Why must things turn out this way? Why did i fall for you? Why do I fall in love easily? Maybe it's still to early to say. Perhaps I shall wait. Let's see. Give me till the end of my N's. Let's see if I still have feelings for you then. But I will NOT let you affect me. I will NOTNOTNOT let any distractions get in my way.

I'm sorry my dear readers for reading my rants. :(
Till then, lovelies.

*pictures arranged randomly. blogging thru my ipod*