Pain.

I typed this whole chunk at about 1am when I couldn't get to sleep this morning. So........ Yeah.

好痛。我的心好痛。But why? Why am I feeling that sharp pain through my chest? What's this feeling all about? Is this "falling in love" again? I forgot how it feels. Because, time and time again. All I've been feeling in me is then hurt that never fails to break my heart every single time.
我怕。我怕我又爱上了错的男人。可是，我从爱上你的时候，我也知道我不应该爱上了你。可是，我这么那么笨呢？为什么？为什么？为什么？米雪，你这么那么笨？！
Because right now, I cannot save myself. Because if I've fallen too hard, I cannot save myself. I choose not to believe it, I deny it. I tell myself it can't be true. But my own actions prove it. I want to leave it aside. But it hurts even when I do. 我受不了，受不了这种痛苦。


Hi C. Thank you, for never leaving me. Friends > lovers > bestfriends. You never left me even through my hardest times. Even when I was crying over you when you had new girls around you, you comforted me. You texted me every single day because I wanted to stay that way. You didn't leave me when I said mean things to you. You didn't leave me when everything came crashing down for me. You stood by me. You supported me. Motivated me. You were an angel that God has brought down for me. You're that angel that says by me through the good times and bad. You never judge me, never leave me when I tell you things that might disappoint you. You always try means and ways to make me a happier Michelle. Although you've hurt me so much in the past, I know it was all for a reason. So that I'd be hurting less. I've been selfish towards you. I didn't treat you like how a girlfriend would. I treated you like trash, took you for granted. But you stuck by me. 1 year 6 months isn't short. I doubt anyone would have tolerated me for that long period of time. I'm just thankful you did. Thank you for all the letters, elmos, clothes, teddy bear, birkenstock, small little surprises and letters that you have given me. Our dream "house" (the piggy bank we painted tgt for our 1st year) and the universal studios treat (1st year celebration) I also want to thank you for the pictures and memories that you've left me with. I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for being a changed person after the trip. 不要离开我，好吗? Promise me you'll never leave. Till now, I still wear our ring. Yes, I still love you. But I love someone else too. This is something NO ONE will ever get. Only me. Because my love for (inserts name) is different from yours. I'll never foret you, my first true love. Thank you for standing by me, C. 10062010 ♥